dream in which
you livie and i
are in the windy backyard
and when i see your face
the scar on your forehead
i am immediately scared
of forgetting it
i always wake up too soon
try to wrestle myself back
to you
on your birthday
the first without you
i spend the morning at walmart
flourescent portal
first left
down to the end
i can see you
in the christmas aisle
comparing string lights
how your stride
covered eternity
then and now
carrying up through
the inflatables
the fish tanks
men's pajamas
i can still feel
the pull
of the metal netting
as my hand grips the cart
forever running
to catch up with you
where did you go, dad?
are you still there, wondering
white lights, or yellow?
last may
in the north american birds wing
teaching me of owls
i can't remember what it was you had said
about their wings
but i remember the yellow eyes
electric abyss
how you read each panel
carefully
i saw oma last night
wandered across the ocean into my dreams
wander is not the right word
she would tear the water into shreds
to get to me
in dream: shared abyss
her eyes
shared language
how we have torn the sea in grief
but last may
the owls
i am left searching the books you left behind
for what it was you had said
about wings
questions to dad before the sun goes down
dad did you think about death
how often and how long
and dad did you cry
when no one was around
was it usually about your dad
or was it about mom
was it ever about me and dad
did you also see yourself in me
the way i saw myself in you and
were you thinking of me that morning
like i was thinking of you
dad is there any way
to climb back to the moment it was
just us on the couch
eating razzleberry pie
can the memory be played a million times can we
be there at the same time as i am here without you
dad did you hear the birds that morning
did you stop the really process the sound did you dream
about their wings before you woke up dad did you
whistle back and forth with them while you were up
on the roof
dad did you hear them on the way down
were they crying your name
were they noisy before the eternal silence
dad how did it feel
to finally fly
thank you for visiting k8's dream room, please call back later.